I feel like this industry has really bruised me, I am constantly being told I am too "fat", I need to tone up, my teeth are crooked, I am not tall enough, I am too tall, I have no boobs.. the list goes on and on. The fact is no matter what I do to myself in this business I will never be perfect because no one knows what perfect is. Clients all want different things and different bodies/looks, etc. I have learned to analyze everyone's bodies and looks even my own in a negative way as if everyone was a model. This world I live in is very tough. Imagine living in a house surrounded by only models, going to castings being surrounded by ONLY models.. of course your going to always catch yourself comparing to them. Being surrounded by only beautiful people on a regular basis is depressing.. You instantly always feel at the bottom of the list.
I grew up being told I was "beautiful" every day.. Most girls were jealous, I knew every guy liked me.. I tried to deny it, but it was the truth. Growing up in a small town being tall, skinny, & pretty - I sort of stuck out in the crowd and got a lot of attention for it. Moving away from home to a big city like LA or traveling to Bangkok for modeling - I was hit with a big reality check.. there are LOTS of beautiful girls in this world and A LOT more of them are better looking then you! & I thought I was skinny?!!!! not compared to these girls! I tried competing with them, trying to loose weight, eat less, work out.. change my diet.. & everything I have tried I have lost no more then 5lbs and have never weighed less then 115lb. I promised myself I would never develop an eating disorder, which I still have not to this day.. but I have tried every healthy way to loose the weight and it always comes down to "just don't eat".. which I refuse. I have come from the most confident girl around town to feeling like a little fat and ugly girl.
I hate to whine and cry because I chose to be apart of this industry and I do love it, but the pressure is TOUGH! If your not born naturally a tiny twig, modeling is not the right route at least for Fashion. I have finally come to realization of how much this has affected me over the last couple years. I used to walk in a room and shine because I was happy & confident and now I just feel sometimes as if I lost my shine and sparkle.
So now to gain it back I come to some closure with myself that..
1. I will NEVER be a high fashion runway model walking for Gucci.
2. I will never be as skinny as majority of models, I have some curve I gotta learn to love it.
3. I am special in my own way and so are those girls.. our differences are what make us unique.
Knowing these facts I have decided to do things for myself that I think will help me regain my shine. I am going to grow my hair back out long, get a little bit of a tan, work-out, healthy diet, pamper myself, eat everything I want in moderation, & enjoy LIFE looking how I want to look & feeling how any young woman should feel! It's all about accepting yourself for who you really are.
SO good to get this all off my chest.. now some things I love about myself that I wouldn't change for anything...
I love my freckles, my thick hair, my bum:), my legs, my back dimples, the arch in my spine, my high arched feet, my skinny long fingers, my green cat shaped eyes, my perfectly pink lips..
These are things that make me special! I am grateful for what I have & blessed to have the looks I do compared to majority of people. I am happy to work on myself and better myself, but I am also going to enjoy life and not pretend I am a army captain over every detail. I am only young once so I would like to enjoy it and be happy with the skin I am in.
I am also going to look into & work towards another career goal. For me being told I am "beautiful" isn't too big of a compliment anymore, I would much rather people tell me I am "wise" & "smart" and have them respect me and look up to me. I need a more inspirational and powerful job then just being a model. SO here I am on my next chapter of life ....